Editing/Drafting: Linking Strategies and more

You have two basic grammatical choices when going from one sentence to the next sentence:

1. Start the second sentence by repeating the subject of the first sentence, or

2. Start the second sentence by making the object of the first sentence the subject of the second sentence.

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Below is an example of the above techniques that expand on the idea of "borrowing words" to strengthen our transitions. The following techniques emphasize linking our ideas from sentence to sentence using the key words (subject or object) from the previous sentence. Additionally, these techniques should be combined with other strategies, such as using synonymous language to avoid repetition or monotony as the paragraph develops.

Besides creating more coherent (understandable) transitions, these techniques will also help naturally develop an idea from the first sentence to the last within a paragraph.

When we practice these techniques, we must also consider and work towards structuring our body paragraph using our PRE (Point, Reason, Example) formula. Below is one example of how to use PRE with the linking techniques:

Point | Topic Sentence: Anthony Bourdain learns very early in his cooking career that cockiness only gets a person so far in life.

Reasons:  

1. Fellow workers do not appreciate the attitude that one is better than others.
2. Cockiness can cause one to become too confident in their skills and cause them to do a poor job.
3. Someone or something will humble a man when he becomes too cocky.

Supporting Example:

1. Tyrone at Mario's
2. Chef Bernard at CIA 

Okay...we have our PRE. Now, we must work on the following two sentence-to-sentence techniques for strong coherence.

Borrowing Words From Previous Sentences

1. Repeat the subject of one sentence as the subject of the next sentence! However, to show some variety and skill:

• If the subject is the author of a source you are explaining, rotate between their whole name and their last name.  

• For example:  Anthony Bourdain learns.... Bourdain realizes...

• Or, use an adjective or brief phrase that helps develop the subject further.  

• For example: Anthony Bourdain learns.... The overconfident Bourdain realizes...

• Or, create a brief introductory phrase using a synonym (word or phrase) that characterizes your subject and gives good context, followed by the appropriate pronoun:

• For example:  Anthony Bourdain learns.... As a novice cook, he realizes...

Let's  see how a young writer might put this "repeat the subject" technique into play:

        Anthony Bourdain learns very early in his cooking career that cockiness only gets a person so far in life (topic sentence).  Bourdain realizes that his fellow workers do not appreciate the attitude that one is better than others (reason 1).  The overconfident Bourdain also realizes that cockiness can cause one to become too confident in their skills and cause them to do a poor job (reason 2). As a novice cook, he finds out someone or something will humble a man when he becomes too cocky (reason 3).

• Another technique to note: each sentence's main verb is a synonym of the topic sentence's main verb. (Why does this make sense?)

• Also, note that we have yet to introduce our supporting examples that are specific experiences Bourdain learned from two early chapters in his life.

2. Turn the object from one sentence into the subject of the very next sentence. 

• This technique is good to use when transitioning between a reason and an example. You may have to revise the object a bit to make the transitions sound good:  

•  For example: 

• Bourdain realizes that his fellow workers do not appreciate the attitude that one is better than others.  
• (So "fellow workers" will start the next sentence...)

• One fellow worker that dislikes Bourdain's cockiness is Tyrone, the head cook at Mario's where Bourdain spends his second summer learning to cook. 
• (So "Tyrone" will start the next sentence...)

• Tyrone shows his cooking scars to a whiny Bourdain to make the point that one cannot be cocky in the kitchen and cry for burn cream (pg. #).  
• (So "his cooking scars" may be the subject of the next sentence...)

The two general techniques will help you:

• Build coherency by staying on topic

• Build vocabulary as you decide on different synonyms to use

• Further pay attention to those basic parts of speech: subject, verb, and object. 

Lastly (deep breath...),  use these techniques in revising & editing all essays:

The above writing techniques can be used at any stage of of the essay writing process. Sure, it helps to practice writing this way from the first draft. However, it's also a good way to go back through and re-write your essays to help clear up coherency issues.

• Look for places where you start a sentence with a pronoun, especially one that may be too broad and lack a reference (It, This, That, Those, These...). Replace such sentences in your essay with one that uses the above techniques.

• Look for places where you have poor transitions ("trans." might be marked on a draft critique).

Editing: Fixing Run-ons

Independent clause

• Complete thought/sentence: has both the subject and verb. Most often, there is also a predicate = verb + object/how subject is modified

• Example:  I write poetry. We went to the store. Bourdain is sarcastic.

Run-ons

1. Comma Splices (marked on essays as CS or CS/RO) 
• combine two sentences with only a comma=error.
2. Run-ons/ Fused Sentences (marked on essays as RO or FS or both) 
• two sentences without a conjunction or punctuation=error

• Therefore, run-ons have either incorrect or lack of punctuation for two or more independent clauses.

• To fix, you need to use one of the five methods below to make the two (or more) sentences coordinate with each other or to make one be subordinate

• Each method includes at least a punctuation mark that indicates an end to a complete thought:

1. period  (  .   ) or exclamation point or question mark   ( ! or ? )
2. or semi-colon (   ;   )  (only an 'end' when placed after the first sentence when combining multiple sentences)
3. or use the  comma and a conjunction rule (  , + FANBOYS)

• Which method depends on how you want the multiple sentences to coordinate or subordinate. In other words, each methods shows a different relationship between the two sentences!  Let's look at the five methods to see what I mean...

Before fixing, Identify Run-ons

• Mark each of your current end punctuations in your draft with a bar:  | 
• Read for the mind pause: mark where your brain understands a complete thought/idea.
• Read out loud for the breath pause: mark where you hear an idea sound finished.
• Neither of the above methods will be usually be enough, so you will have to:

• First, look at your extra long sentences and your sentences that have commas in them (because chances are you may have a comma splice!)
• Then, diagram these sentences further for their parts of speech and clauses: 

• Underline the basic subject, if you haven't...
• Circle the verb that goes with it, if you haven't...
• Box in modifiers

• Then, identify where the sentences seems to restart: when the sentence repeats or changes subject from the beginning of the sentence, draw a straight line ( | ) before the restart.

• Besides looking for repeat parts of speech, look for:

• a completely separate "action" is happening...
• a new idea is started...

Five Methods For Fixing Run-ons (Fused and Comma Splices)

• Make Separate Sentences: an easy fix (20c, p.192), find where the two sentences are fused or spliced and place period (or ? or !) between the two clauses. Capitalize the subject of the second sentence.

• Example comma splice: Why should we spend money on expensive space exploration, we have enough underfunded programs here on Earth.   

• Fix: Why should we spend money on expensive space exploration? We have enough underfunded programs here on Earth.   

• Use a comma and a coordinating conjunction: another easy fix (20a, p. 191), find where the second sentence starts and add the comma with the right FANBOYS conjunction.  [Of course, if you have a comma splice, you just need to add the right conjunction after the comma.]

• Example comma splice: Some lesson plans include exercises, completing them should not be the focus of all class periods.

• Fix: Some lesson plans include exercises, but completing them should not be the focus of all class periods.

• Use a semi-colon to connect two complete thoughts: also very easy (20b, p.191), the function/purpose of a semi-colon is to join two independent clauses/complete sentences. 

• Rules for Writers suggest, as well, that you can use a colon or a dash. Warning: make sure you know the function of both (191-192) before you consider using either. 

• Colons are good to use when introducing a quote (192).

• Example fused sentence: Tragedy depicts the individual confronted with the fact of death comedy depicts the adaptability of human society.

• Fix: Tragedy depicts the individual confronted with the fact of death; comedy depicts the adaptability of human society.

• Use a semi-colon, followed by a conjunctive adverb (a type of transitional word or phrase): (20b, 191), more difficult to pull off, though really good to emphasize a relationship between two sentences that are being combined. 

• conjunctive adverb: conjunctive is like conjunction--it means to join, just like a highway junction is the connection of two different routes!

• They are words that imply further action, or a furthering of the idea, such as "thereafter" and "moreover" and "however"

• Example fused sentence:  We ran the race hard we ran to win.

• Fix:   We ran the race hard; moreover, we ran to win. 

• Turn one of the sentences into the subordinate to the other: the most difficult grammatically (20d, p.192) for one still getting the hang of sentence structure, but can be worth it for sake of showing a clearer relationship between two ideas.

• One of the independent clauses is turned into a dependent clause by adding a subordinating conjunction to the beginning of the original clause. 

• Example: We went out to a fancy restaurant for dinner; we were disappointed.  (How boring is this grammatically correct sentence!?!) 

• Subordinating one to the other: Although we went out to a fancy restaurant for dinner, we were disappointed. (Edits make this one sentence where one idea takes importance because of the subordinate conjunction.)

Other Critical Thinking Questions:

Here are a few other relevant questions that we should explore with regard to the novel to develop our own empathy further:


1. Why do you think Laurids ends up where he does, remaking his old life in Samoa? Find some passages that help you support your understanding.






2. What do you think Albert's discovery of his father will do for his future? What type of expectations do you think he has about being on the sea or for how he views life? Reflect on what you learn about him from his narrating this past chapter? Cite some passages that help you support your understanding.

Free-writing: 20 minutes

Why do you think it was important for Albert to find his father? What was he hoping to find by finding his father? Write down all the ideas you can.

HW for Tuesday, 9/23

1. Work on global revisions and edits of Essay 1


2. Read We, the Drowned, finishing “The Voyage” (118-196)

Expanding Possibilities of Conclusions

The last paragraph (or sometimes paragraphs, when writing much longer essays ) should reflect upon the thesis statement and its subtopics that you have addressed in your essay. 

There are other ways to view your conclusions, and viewing a conclusion in these different ways will help guide you in what else you can say beyond being repetitive. You may not address each question below each time, but here are some general ideas you may explore in your conclusion rather than simply "restating the thesis":

• What is important to the general audience/larger world about what you have argued/analyzed/defined. etc.? What knowledge do you provide us, and why is that important? 

• What is the impact of this knowledge I provide ? Who is affected, how? 

• Where does my idea fit in the larger discussion of the subject addressed in the essay? (compare or contrast with socially common views, stereotypes, and/or subjects)

• What recommendations can I make, and why, based on my thesis and other points made in the essay?

• If I were to continue discussing the topic, what are some points that I did not make that are worth exploring, and that are related to what I've already pointed out? 

• What would I like others to consider that I did not have 'time' to in this essay? (Pose questions that you haven't addressed that are relevant to what you have already written. Pose questions that are within the context of your essay--further questions that relate to your ideas.)

Another way of looking at just conclusions and the above general conclusion strategies when dealing with literary analysis (your mid-term essay):

• Here is how it is put by the University of Iowa's Writing center: "The conclusion is a good place to not only sum up the points made in the paper but to suggest the further implications of your argument.  You do not want to simply reiterate the points you have made in your introduction, thesis, or body paragraphs.  Instead, use the analyses that you have already presented to ask questions, or suggest the possible next logical step in the argument.  You can use the conclusion to draw connections between your chosen text and its genre and historical or cultural contexts.  You want to make sure that the claims you make in the conclusion are not too far-fetched or wildly out of step with the rest of your paper.  The conclusion should be the final step in the progression of your argument."

• Ask questions based on your essay points!

• Suggest next possible step in the argument!

• Draw connections between your essay subject text and other texts in the genre or same time period or cultural perspective 

• Do you know of any novel or other literature that does similar things to the novel you wrote about? Explain connections, if so.

• Do you know of texts outside literature that your novel may connect to? What are they and how do they relate? What does it say that similar things are done outside of literature?

• Culturally, does your text seem to say something about some the time period the author is writing about? Does the novel relate to some historical event outside of the book?  

• Does the book do something special within the genre that relates to your essay argument?  (For instance, our book has some differences between it an a normal novel, right? What could be said about those differences?)

Global Revision

Based on our prompt requirements, one big technique that begs to be used is "compare and contrast" between two subjects. Whether you compare, contrast, or both--your ideas should include more connection to your myth. So, here are some basic questions to help you globally revise your ideas and, perhaps, reorganize the essay paragraphs and add more depth through related descriptions of you to your myth character.

• Who are you comparing and/or contrasting yourself with in the myth? 
• What qualities do you share or have in opposition? 
• What are your actions that compare and/or contrast to 

For the next 30 minutes, start with those questions as you go through your essay feedback and write down "new" or clearer ideas about why the myth is important to your life. Afterwards, we want to have a brief class discussion about how/what you want to do to revise based on these questions.

HW for Thursday, 9/18

1. Read Rules for Writers, Chapter 3: “Make Global Revisions…." Bring in your Essay 1 current draft (hopefully you've edited the commas). 

• Some revision self-reflection: how well do you clarify the thematic meaning of your own personal examples? Do you attach the myth's theme to your personal examples? Highlight the sentences in your essay that you intend to provide the thematic point (hopefully these are the thesis and topic sentences). 

• We also want to discuss Conclusions: 
• Does yours include too much surprise meaning? What might you do to fix that? We will discuss such ideas on Thursday.

Finding Meaning In What We Read: Themes & Organizing Thoughts on Themes

Theme: 

The theme of a fable is its moral. The theme of a parable is its teaching. The theme of a piece of fiction is its view about life and how people behave.

In fiction, the theme is not intended to teach or preach. In fact, it is not presented directly at all. You extract it from the characters, action, and setting that make up the story. In other words, you must figure out the theme yourself.

The writer's task is to communicate on a common ground with the reader. Although the particulars of your experience may be different from the details of the story, the general underlying truths behind the story may be just the connection that both you and the writer are seeking.

• Essay 1: your theme is your fable is given by the myth, so you must show how that theme is evident in your own life history.

• In reading We, the Drowned: themes are not presented directly, and must be interpreted through comprehension of characters, action, and setting of story. So, to better understand the "view about life and how people behave" that the novel gives us, we have to do the following dirty work, which is important preparation for your Midterm Exam. 

While Reading for theme:

• Highlight and comment on repeated actions, language, imagery.
• Note down character views of life and also how their lives turn out.
• What tone does narration take? This gives insight into how to take the story's action. Look for sentences in the story that seem like the narrator's commentary.

Sketch Outlining a Repeated Theme:

In your own words, what do the boys of Marstal really learn about Marstallers way of life from Isager? Your answer should interpret the plot and characters--evidence-based thoughts.

 

For supporting your interpretation, you need to do the following:  

1. Outline three major actions that the boys take against Marstal. For each, what results from their actions? Pull out a few quotes for each action that helps you understand what's going on more.

2. Outline Hans' character. Include: what does he say about life after Isager? What does that tell you about life?

3. Outline Lorentz' character. Include: how does he change, and what does that mean?

If you finish with the above before we break for a discussion, continue on to work on your answer through the following:

4.  Outline Albert's character: 

• How does he look to solve problems? To get to a more specific answer, outline a major action and/or response of his over the last three chapters read: 

• "The Thrasing Rope" =
• "Justice"=
• "The Voyage"=

HW for Tuesday, 9/16

1. Read part I, “Justice” and start “The Voyage” (91-130) in We, the Drowned

2. Review Rules for Writers chapter on commas and our comma blog post, as you edit your Essay 1 draft (I imagine that the following to take an hour or so--but not really shorter).

• Copy and paste one of your first two paragraphs from Essay into a new document. 

• Print off that one paragraph and diagram each sentence's subject (sub), main verb (v), and object (obj). Also, label each dependent clause in your essay (DEP) with brackets.

• Once you diagram each sentence, go back and test for where to insert commas. WHEN you find other errors (like realizing you have a comma splice or fused run-on) mark those, too.

• Your focal task is adding missing commas and deleting unnecessary commas, and replacing commas used erroneously as end punctuation (splices), so that your sentences are more coherent. However, when you realize spelling errors, etc., fix them!

• In the margin next to the sentence, name the type of Comma Rule being used. Label at least three (3) sentences. For instance, did you add commas because you have an "intro phrase" or "relative clause" or "series/list."

• After editing the paragraph with your pen or pencil, go back to the computer and work out those edits in your essay, in that paragraph. 

• Print off the newly edited paragraph and staple it behind your diagrammed and marked-up version. 

• Hand in your paragraphs at the start of class on Tuesday. Your professor will assess your understanding and proper use of commas. 

Fixing Comma Errors: Comma Drama!

One of our goals with understanding the simple sentence and dependent clauses and the role of the comma is to understand that they allow for a variety of syntax (sentence structure), which allows for your more complex ideas to be expressed in creative but coherent ways. Rather than getting mastered by grammar rules, try and master the fundamental rules of word structure that is our language (I mean, that is what many of you are already doing with texting language--creating a grammar.)


Independent Clause / the Simple Sentence

• Nouns: person, place, thing
• Verbs: show action
• Subject:  noun or pronoun that performs the action
• Object: noun or pronoun that receives the action

• Includes a subject (noun/pronoun) + verb

•  Examples: I write. She coughs. They run. The lamp shines.

• Often, though, we need to include the object (a noun, too) after the verb=

• Examples: I write poetry. They run laps.

 Before we look at the graphic, let's see how modifiers can create skillfully complex sentences out of basic information:


1. The famous Russian novelist Vladimir Nabokov once said, "Style and Structure are the essence of a book; great ideas are hogwash.” 

• Simple sentence:  Vladimir Nabokov...said, "...."

• "The famous Russian novelist" = adjectival phrase with no commas! Why? (Look at #5's explanation on this link for some reasoning, too.)

2.  Since he is known for Lolita, a novel about a creepy old man obsessed with a little girl, a reader may be shocked to find that Nabokov thought structure was more important than the idea itself.

• Simple sentence:   A reader may be shocked to find that Nabokov thought structure was more important than the idea itself.

• "Since he is known for Lolita," = dependent clause that added context to subject

• ", a novel about a creepy old man obsessed with a little girl," = dependent clause that adds meaning to the noun that comes right before it, Lolita. 

• This entire phrase/clause is not necessary for a reader to understand the simple sentence, which is why commas are used to "put up a fence around it."  We can take out the entire clause and the sentence will still be grammatically clear:  

• Since he is known for Lolita, a reader may be shocked to find that Nabokov thought structure was more important than the idea itself.

The Role of the Comma (Rules for Writers, 292-314)

• How do we look at dependent clauses and adjectives and adverbs?

• Modifiers of basic meaning/thought of the sentence

• Different types of context that add to the basic thought/sentence

• What is a comma for? Our two most general ways to look at it:

• Show where dependent clauses add "extra" information/context to the independent clause!

• Separate lists/clusters of adjectives or adverbs. Here is a great link on Buzzfeed that shows just how much a comma is needed for clear meaning when making a list!

• the only time a comma is used to attach two independent clauses (sentences): use a comma, then a conjunction (for | and | nor | but | or | yet | so). This called a coordinating conjunction...

• , + conjunction

• ex.:   We went to the store, but we did not buy anything.

Common Words that indicate dependent clauses:

Transition words: also, indeed, either, neither, first, second, next, last, finally, although, however, for example, for instance, since, ...and more!

Prepositions: on, at, above, around, during, of, from, with, ... and more!

-ing verbs: Beginning, Running, Talking, 

infinitives (to + verbs): To begin, To go, To add, To argue,



Let's Go Through Concepts of the Comma As Writers In The Process:


1. I stepped in a pile of horse poop Jill.   (What is "horse poop Jill"? The comma needs to come after the word 'poop' because 'Jill' is a dependent clause; her name gives the reader context to who is being told the statement.)

...and now for a string of complex modification:


2. Since I was seventeen I have lived alone.  (Why no comma? Again, here is a great link for us to review.)

3. Since I was seventeen, I have lived alone and supported myself. (What changes? The simple sentence became more complex, so that dependent clause now modifies to acts.)


4. Since I was seventeen, Chris, I have lived alone.

5.  Since I was seventeen, Chris, I have lived alone in the woods.

6. Since I was seventeen, Chris, I have lived alone in the woods and supported myself.

7. Since I was seventeen, I have lived alone in the woods, afraid of the world, and supported myself.

8. Since I was seventeen, Chris, I have lived alone in the woods outside Baltimore and supported myself.

9. Since I as seventeen, I have lived alone in the woods outside Baltimore, Maryland, and supported myself.

10. Since I was seventeen, Chris, I have lived alone in the woods outside Baltimore, Maryland, and supported myself on twigs and berries.